I did something unusual for myself on a Friday morning after getting off work. Instead of just coming home and going straight to bed after working the previous night, I went down to the local flea market and browsed the early opening shops. Most of what they had there was junk, but there was one little beauty among all the crap: a intact Pepsi bottle, unopened, that celebrated the 1982 national championship in men's basketball of my favorite college team, the North Carolina Tarheels.
I asked the man who was tending the booth how much it was. The old, white-whiskered gentleman looked at the bottle and said, "I didn't even realize I had one of those! I'll sell it to ya for a buck!" I didn't hesitate to part with the greenback and was on my way home with a small treasure from my childhood.
It was dusty and dirty, so I had to clean it off in the kitchen sink. Once cleaned, I wiped it off and polished it as best I could. That's when the cap on top blew off.
Instead of spewing sudsy soda, a brilliant gaseous cloud of smoke came billowing out, unleashing a thick stench of cigarette smoke that damn near choked me.
"Damn, I am so fuckin' glad to be out of that place!" said a female voice, and I turned around to see a woman who looked a lot like Joan Jett from the "I Love Rock and Roll" video back in the early 1980s.
"How the hell did you get in here?" I asked out of astonishment.
She said in her thick New Jersey accent, "What the fuck do you think? I'm a fuckin' genie, you redneck! I was floating around when my asshole master decided to put me in that fuckin' bottle because I had been out all night doin' the groupie thing with a punk metal band!"
"What's your name?" I asked, still shocked at what was going on.
"Well, it ain't fuckin' Genie, and I ain't Barbara Eden! The name's Lisa. What the fuck is your name?" she said as she took a drag off her cigarette.
"Jason. You know a Joan Jett by chance?"
"Hell fuckin' yeah I do! I used to go see her and her band all the time back in the day! I know, I know! I look and sound a lot like her! People always kept getting us confused. You a fan or something?"
"Yeah, back in the 1980s."
"Back in the 1980s? What fuckin' year is this?" Lisa asked.
"What the fuck? 2006! That retard kept me in that goddamn bottle for twenty-four fuckin' years! Asshole! Where's your fuckin' bathroom? I gotta take a piss!"
I showed her where the bathroom was and waited until she came out. From the sound, it seemed like she was disposing of decades of liquid waste. After hearing her turn off the faucet, she came out and said, "So when's the last time you fucked?"
"It's been a while. Why?"
She grabbed me by the arm and took me over to the room beside the bedroom. "Is this the bedroom?"
"Yeah, it is!"
"Fuckin' A! Let's get in here and fuck! I'm horny!" She threw me onto the bed and started taking her clothes off like a woman possessed. When her leather jacket, leather pants, white t-shirt and black lace bra were on the ground, she stood naked there.
"So you like what you see?" she asked me, and I couldn't help staring at her ample bosom.
"Hell yeah! Great rack!"
"Damn straight I got great tits!" She turned around and showed her shapely rear. "And my ass is hot too! And I want to fuck, so..." She soon was taking off my clothes and she descended down upon me with kisses straight from fantasy world. It wasn't long until she was making her way down to the area between my legs where my manhood was standing at attention, to which she began giving it the kind of attention that one only sees in porno flicks.
Needless to say, we went beyond the twenty-three positions in this one night (or, to be accurate, one morning stand) as described in Prince's "Gett Off", to which Lisa did more time than we did positions. She seemed to love two in particular: woman on top and missionary. When she was on top, she rode me like a wild bronco, turning from front to back from time to time and imploring me to "spank her fuckin' ass" as I penetrated her. When we were doing missionary, she scratched canyons onto my back with her fingernails each time she climaxed.
When we finally (and mercifully) finished, she said, "Damn, man, you're fuckin' awesome! You may not look like Richard Gere, but you can sure as shit fuck like him!"
"Thanks. So do I get three wishes now?"
She laughed and smiled at me, saying, "That shit's old. Tell ya what: what three things did you want to be when you were growing up?"
"Well, I flirted with being an actor as a kid, but I sucked at memorizing lines. I dreamed of being a rocker, but never could keep up with learning the guitar and piano. I also wanted to be a quarterback, but I never had the athletic ability. Why?"
She turned to me and said, "What if I could give you all three?"
"You're kidding, right?"
"Nah, babe! I can do that! I can turn you into three different people and make each of those three dreams come true, if you want."
"For how long?"
"I'll give ya a couple of years, then when its over, I'll bring you back and see what you want to do about things. Besides, I've got some catching up to do!" She leaned over and grabbed my ass and pinched it, saying, "I may even want to fuck your brains out again!"
"Why not do it now? It's ready again!" I said, looking down at my manhood.
Lisa smiled and said, "Fuckin' A!" She hopped on top and we started again. As I came close to my own orgasm, I closed my eyes and tried to hold it in as long as I could. When I finally exploded inside her, I opened my eyes, only to find that I was no longer inside Lisa, but a much more modern beauty.
Angelina Jolie cried out in pleasure, then collapsed onto my chest, saying, "Damn, Jason! I knew you were hot on the set, but doing it for real is even better than I thought!" The bedroom we were in was very different than the one I had been in with Lisa, and it was then that I realized that I was in a very different place.